Unsolicited, Unwanted, Unending

About a month or two ago, the amount of spam I receive on a daily basis seemed to take an exponential leap, like some mass of wandering email address harvesters finally found their way home and unloaded their payload to the mother-spam-ship. It's only gotten worse in recent days, from a few a day to thirty or more. I can barely fathom the millions upon millions of this bullshit that is clogging up the world's bandwidth. I have to assume that at least some of them are viruses. But most seem to be trying to sell me software or meds I don't want, although sometimes it's hard to figure out exactly what they're selling given all the tricks they're trying to employ to evade spam filters. For example:

From: Tye Cuellar <Presumably@fake.email.deleted>
Subject: Re: aaBam89 news


k C o I p A d L t I s S
b V r A y L h I y U w M
v V f I m A y G r R f A

B nt uy your k M y e q d w i e c w a v t g i h o d n o si nline at half
e p k r s i c c b e [Deleted Evil URL]
<Deleted Evil URL>

Or perhaps this one, which, while somewhat entertaining in its bizarreness, is still annoying when you get 3-4 of them. A day.

From: Martin Gray <Another@fake.email.deleted>
Subject: Last offer- Discount special for PE patch almost over!

flowers sick funeral after orphans visit widows
fatherless write letters invitation condolence establish
missions

Maybe it would make more sense if I saw the included images, but I use a text mail reader, so I guess that's my loss.

The other day, I took a moment to think about it, and the question that came to me was: do these people actually think I want to buy any of this crap?! I can only assume that some of this is due to people trying to MAKE MONEY FAST! with that sweet stay-at-home interweb marketing gig they saw an ad for in the recycler paper on the T. But c'mon, WTF?

Coincidentally, I saw this comment on Techdirt. And I suppose the answer is right there, truth stranger than fiction: there are actually some assholes out there that are actually buying this shit. [Here's an article on the economics of spam.]

So, to you out there, though I am sure you will never read this, to you I say:

Cut it the fuck out.

Democracy in Action

Fresh off the AP (but linking to SFgate.com because their article archives don't disappear):

Afghan Clerics Demand Convert be Killed
"Rejecting Islam is insulting God. We will not allow God to be humiliated. This man must die," said cleric Abdul Raoulf, who is considered a moderate and was jailed three times for opposing the Taliban before the hard-line regime was ousted in 2001.

Hmm, irony. I could have sworn that irony was dead.

Anyway, the article continues:

Afghanistan's constitution is based on Shariah law, which is interpreted by many Muslims to require that any Muslim who rejects Islam be sentenced to death.

Hamidullah warned that if the government frees Rahman, "there will be an uprising" like one against Soviet occupying forces in the 1980s.

"The government will lose the support of the people," he said. "What sort of democracy would it be if the government ignored the will of all the people."

Democracy!

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

And somehow, I can't help but think that part of this is our fault. We, and not just the members of our current, rather fucked-up administration, sure pay a lot of lip service to democracy, but is that *really* the cornerstone, the foundation of the strength of our country, our society? Rock the vote! I'm not even talking about the unspoken controversy of voter irregularities or the apparently deep divisions between vast swathes of the country. We put gravity on the ideal of "one man, one vote" and yet the reality is that in many ways, our individual votes don't seem to amount for much these days. It is a representative democracy, after all.

What does seem important is our freedom, our rights as individuals.

And somehow it feels like that whole concept is getting lost in the shuffle somewhere. There is occasional lip-service (terrorists "hate our freedoms," "Freedom will find a way"), but it feels like that's all it is. Attacks on our right to privacy. The effort to ban gay marriage. Blocked access to birth control.

It's not like we're trying to kill people because of their religious beliefs, but sometimes it sure feels like there's at least a tinge of religious intolerance, if not outright fanaticism in the air these days. And this country is no stranger to capital punishment. I mean, are we sending mixed messages here?

Rationalization

Headline: "Be smarter at work, slack off" [via FARK.com]

Advantage/Disadvantage

By just looping around the neighborhood, I can get a pretty decent hill workout.

elevation map courtesy of Gmaps Pedometer

The route from yesterday ended up being just a shade over 4 miles. One of the advantages (and disadvantages) of living in the hilly/bumpy part of town.

$30,000

That's how much you'd owe if you distributed out the current national debt across every man, woman and child in the country. We're talking everybody, from people on their deathbeds to newborns. I most recently saw this figure in an article on CNN.com which discussed Congress' raising of the national debt limit. Interestingly enough, when I went back to the article, this particular statistic had been removed.

I wondered: did they pull it because it was an inaccurate statistic?

So I tried doing the calculation myself, doing a rough calculation based on the current 8.2 trillion dollar debt versus the latest census numbers (rounding up, of course) and confirmed the number was in the right ballpark. (I got $27,333.33, but you'll get $30k when we hit the new debt limit that just passed. And sorry, $27k doesn't really make me feel any happier) And eventually I stumbled on this site which confirmed it.

Yeah, so much for that liberal media bias. I remember a website that was keeping track of these things (they kept screenshots of news site in order to monitor edits and redactions of articles) but I never bookmarked it (hey, I've been trying to steer clear of this stuff) and I can't remember where I saw the original reference. (Anyone else know what I'm talking about?) It's just as well, I suppose; feeling pretty powerless these days as it is.

Non-zero and being Risk-Averse

As an applied physics major in college, one of the things that I found difficult was solving many of the more complex equations that you would come across in mechanics (Orbital equations), E&M (Maxwell's equations), quantum mechanics (Schrodinger's) and the like. This is not to say that I didn't like or wasn't any good at math. But when solving such equations, you invariably needed to reduce some number of terms to zero because they were negligible relative to the other terms, and I just never could wrap my head around that. (As an example, take a look at equations 4.53-4.55 here)

At what point does it really become negligible? A hundred to one? A thousand? I mean, it's non-zero, right? That means it's gotta have some kind of effect, or so I thought.

In what may appear to be an unrelated note, Monkeyboy linked to this cool article a few days (weeks?) ago. Even though the article is about risk, I particularly like this quote:

Advice to people wishing to become smarter: Get in the habit of assuming that everything is more complex than you imagine.

Anyway, it makes some interesting points on how to evaluate risk -- beyond just straight probabilities and expected ROI -- using examples of the lottery, insurance and... Russian Roulette. The author suggests that, as a thought experiment, you might consider how much you value your own life, in very tangible, quantitative terms:

Suppose you have the option to play Russian Roulette, in return for which you will receive a fee of x. The gun has one million chambers, one of which holds a bullet. If you get the bullet, you die. Otherwise you collect the fee. What is the minimum value for x that will induce you to play? Would you play if x were one million dollars?

The author says he'd do it for a million. (the discussion follows with another step or two.) Me, I couldn't find a workable number for x. I'm sure part of that stems from a lesson I learned a number of years ago that can be summarized in a fortune that read: "an ounce of gold cannot buy an ounce of time." (Let's just say bonus plans can be evil. In essence, for a carrot, THEY OWN YOU. Ok, lesson learned.) But, I think a larger aspect is that even when you're talking about a million to one odds, IT'S STILL ONE -- a finite number. Non-zero, baby. And you know what? Shit happens. Shit happens to me. And I guess maybe I value life too much. Perhaps under other circumstances, my response might differ. But given my present circumstances, I value life, my life, too much. Or at least I value it more than money.

Unexpected Integrity

I don't know Jessica Simpson from, well, nobody. I really have no idea what kind of person she is. But reading this earns her points in my book, for what that's worth.

People close to Simpson said she declined a request to appear that same evening at the gala fund-raiser of the National Republican Congressional Committee -- even after she was offered some private face time with Bush -- because Operation Smile is a non-partisan group.

"It just feels wrong," one Simpson insider told Reuters on Wednesday, adding that the actress keeps her political views private. "She would love to meet the president and talk about Operation Smile ... but she can't do it at a fund-raiser for the Republican Party."

I supppose that as a celebrity, she doesn't *have* to pay for access the way most people do. But I think her actions aid the common good by simply providing visibility into how these things normally work.

Cool and not even remotely cool

Cool
Gmaps Pedometer: a new tool by Google that allows you to measure walking distances. (Quite helpful for figuring out distances of running routes.)

Not Cool
The Sneeze has observed that some non-sugar free items have started adding Aspartame, apparently just for shits-and-giggles... seeing as they still have sugar in them. WTF?

Yet more disappointment

No clients for clinic, again. Two timeslots, no people.

They were able to find a fill-in for my second appointment slot, but then they never showed up. For those of you keeping score at home, that's three out of four days that I've had cancellations, no-shows or unfilled timeslots, two out of four that I've had no clients at all. Boy this sucks. (Oh yeah, and the five guys in our half of the class made up five of the six people who didn't have clients in the second session.)

And after getting all stressed out by the experience, I ended up giving a crappy massage to a classmate during the remaining time in the first session*. At least that was something of a learning experience -- I need to get myself grounded and just let go of everything that's external to the task at hand. (no pun intended) Sadly, I kinda already know that it's something I need to work on. And part of what I learned today is that sometimes I can still be discombobulated and disconnected, even when I think I'm settled and I've got it together. Quite troubling, really.

And it's gonna be tricky to figure it out, if it's even figure-outable.

* I did a better job of getting my head together for the second session (with another classmate) after getting feedback from the first. So the first session really was helpful, but it was still disappointing that my classmate got a crappy massage.

A different kind of disappointment

This winter we've had a phenomenal turnout for weekend pickup disc. Granted, it's been pretty temperate this year, but there have also been several days barely in the 20's, ground frozen with 10-20MPH winds bringing the windchill down into the teens. And even on those days, we've had enough players for 6-on-6.

So today, the first Saturday where it's been above 6040°F in over a month. Crickey, it was over 60°F today! And at 11am, there are 5 of us. We get a game of 3-on-3 going, with a sub just before noon and eventually get fours by around 12:40 when Lenlow shows up.

It's beautiful and sunny, if a bit breezy, and we can't even get 10 people to show up? WTF?

It's embarrassing, I tell you.

Since I'm venting...

Here's what turned up today that provides evidence on what's wrong with:

• The Bush Administration's Faith-based Initiative: Boston Catholic Charities Halts Adoptions And to add insult to injury, Romney wants to give them an exemption to allow them to discriminate against same-sex couples. I'm sorry, who's "putting the rights of adults over the needs of children?" Dickhead(s).

• Junk mail: The Torn-Up Credit Card Application. Buy a shredder. Really.

Penn & Teller call Bullshit...

...on the Patriot Act:

'Other Purposes?'

What the fuck is that all about?! 'Other Purposes?'

You shouldn't even allow that kind of loose language in a fucking gym membership contract.

God bless Penn and Teller.

'Course, this is just about the legal stuff, as opposed to the, well, other stuff.

ITMFA

As is often the case, this starts from Monkeyboy's Links. You really should just go there.

But here's a summary of the things that have been seeping into my brain (from mkb and elsewhere) and getting me all hot and bothered:

• I keep hearing about all the controversy over the Dubai "take-over" of U.S. shipping ports, but as much as I think the current administration sucks ass, this really seems like a non-issue. Thank you Robert Reich for making the case, not that anybody is listening. Democrats are trying to pound the administration for it, but it seems like pointless political posturing that would make them look foolish if they weren't also being flanked by Republicans who are doing the same thing. (Presumably it's because they'd all get slammed for being "soft on terror," presumably by the same Republicans who've been making the big whoop-de-doo over the whole thing, so I guess I have to accept that it's just a big defensive play all-around.) But really, can wejust hammer them on the real issues... like say, the illegal wiretapping business? Oh, right...

• "Senate panel blocks eavesdropping probe" I guess that's why we're stuck with this other bullshit.

• And then there's the renewal of the Patriot act. There's an article at the Chicago Tribute on Russ Feingold's lone opposition; it requires registration there, but there appears to be another copy at the Mercury News.

• The guy who, as chief counsel to the President, wrote up the rationalizations for allowing torture and who is now the head of the Justice Department recently spoke at the International Institute for Strategic Studies and defended the U.S. detention policy.

• Despotism & Democracy: How do we rate on the scales of Respect, Power, Economic Distribution and Education?

• ITMFA Of course, if we can't even get the wiretapping investigated...

Bend over

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.
This happens every few months... I get my electric bill, have a minor WTF moment wondering if maybe I left the oven on for the last month, dig out the previous year's bill and then have a major WTF moment.

I still remember when my total electric bill was around 20 bucks. Today: $91 and change.

WTF?!

Just for the record, I thought my bill from February 2005 was outrageous at $73 plus. Yet, compared to this year, I guess I should have been happy. I mean, my usage actually went down by 12% (486KWH -> 426KWH) and yet my bill went up by more than 25%. (Yes, I'm kind of a math guy, ok? Deal with it.) You go down to the services and it turns out that the transmission cost has increased by 126% and the generation charge went up by 90%.

During these moments, I can't help but remember a ballot initiative* from many years back where the energy companies wanted to be deregulated. In return, they promised to do something like keep prices down or provide some kind of rate discount for a specified number of years. I really can't believe it passed since the whole concept struck me as one of those schemes where you sucker someone into signing up for something based on an "introductory price" (Can you say six CD's for a penny? Free broadband internet for the first 6 months?) and then reaming them once they're stuck in the program. I mean, doesn't anyone notice that they never tell you what the regular pricing structure actually is? (Comcast seems to still be pushing this kind of bullshit although it looks like RCN has finally given up on the practice.)

Anyway, all I can say is: we are soooo screwed.

*Ok, did a little research: the ballot initiative in 1998 was intended to repeal the electric utility deregulation legislation passed the previous year -- item (w) contains the rate reduction guarantees, and apparently there was considerable effort made by the utilities to defeat the initiative. Go figure.

stress and disappointment

We've started having Clinic at school this semester, that is, we're starting to see real clients in the student therapy center. Thankfully, we only have to see one client during clinic for the first two weeks to give us more time to get acclimated to the environment. We start seeing two clinics each afternoon starting this coming week. My first session last week went fine -- nothing extraordinarily amazing or traumatizing about it -- but I think that's how it goes. We just do our thing, and it only gets hard when we get a tricky client. (i.e. one who either has a lot of medical conditions that we have to take into consideration when we're constructing the treatment for the session or just has a challenging personality.)

I wasn't terribly worried about the session yesterday, just some mild anxiety which was generally in check. I think I've been doing pretty well keeping myself mentally and emotionally balanced. Pretty well, that is, until we got the schedule for the day and I went to look up the file for my client for the day. Because the file wasn't there. Or at least, I couldn't find it where I thought it should be. The writing on the schedule was a little hard to make out, but I was pretty sure I read it correctly. I tried some alternate spellings, looked through most of the surrounding files (because sadly, some of our fellow students really can't manage to keep that whole alphabetizing thing in their heads), but eventually I gave up and called down to the front desk to see if they could confirm the spelling, and then later told them that they should give the client a new form to fill out when she arrived.

So now I was going to have to deal with a new file. Which in and of itself isn't such a big deal, but normally, a client would know about it in advance and would be told to show up early in order to fill out the paperwork. Because she was going to find this out when she arrived, it was going to eat into her already attenuated massage (for the one hour session, clients are expected to understand that some of the time would be spent with an initial intake interview and a brief exit interview). Basically, this situation was generating potential hazards for the session. And, I had burned so much time trying to find the file, I was late for our pre-clinic class meeting and hadn't set up my clinic area yet. And of course, for me, the most difficult part of clinic is getting everything done in the allotted time.

Bah.

So, the session starts at 4:00pm. A call comes up. Has my client arrived? Did we get a correction on her name? Is she pissed? No, actually, she's cancelled. Actually two people cancelled, just as the session was starting. And it turns out, there's also a no-show. And interestingly, all three of us who are stuck without clients...? Male therapists. I wonder if this is going to become a pattern.

I guess I should be glad that I don't have to deal with the stress of a session with extra time pressures. But I have to admit that I'm a bit disappointed, since the whole point of clinic is to get experience interacting with the client, managing different medical conditions, working within a schedule. Instead, I go over a bunch of the Safe Practice Consideration sheets we use in the clinic (admittedly helpful) and do some filing. A bit unsatisfying. And afterwards, when our class had a short debriefing session before heading home, I felt a bit disconnected, on the outside, like I had missed out on a shared experience. It was a passing feeling, but it was still kind of a bummer.

* * *

In other, unrelated news, I've woken up at 5:40am, 5:30am, 5:30am and 5:00am the last four nights... which seems to correlate with my most recent acupuncture session. So it seems that it's doing something. The jury is still out as to whether this most recent adjustment to the treatments is a good thing or a bad thing.

UPDATE (Feb 28): Woke up at 7am this morning! Whoo-hoo!

Get all Uppity! (redux)

Become Republican!

[via Monkeyboy's Links]

Blogger ate my post

Interesting... I can't seem to find my "Get all Uppity" post even though it did show up in my RSS feed. Actually, it only seems to have shown up in my local client (Thunderbird), and not my online reader. (Rojo)

An Apology

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude. I had a break-of-sorts between classes this past weekend so I decided to take advantage of a cheap fare on AirTran and grab a short trip to the windy city. Just a two-day trip, because while we just finished our second semester, we still had classes this past week -- Wednesday/Sunday -- but at least I didn't have to worry about a quiz early Sunday morning because we were starting a new module. A good opportunity to spend some quality time with the SOOTTAD. She'll be back in Boston next weekend, but she'll be spending most of her time at the Sci-Fi Marathon, so I don't know how much I'll actually see her.

The plan was to fly in Thursday evening, work from her apartment during the day Friday and fly out in the early evening Saturday so that I could be back home to get some rest and make it to class at 8:30am Sunday morning. It gave us two evenings, a good chuck of one weekend day and potentially six meals together, which seemed to have good EV and didn't feel too crazy. I think signal-to-noise was something like 9:2 (46 hours together, 10 hours of travel time, including getting to/from and waiting at the airport.)

I don't think I've hidden the fact that I don't care much for Chicago. The city has stolen my girlfriend, after all. And then there's the matter of the availability of Chinese food (we hit the much-raved about Lao Si Chuan and Ed's Potsticker house and were verily underwhelmed) and quality ice cream (Margie's just wasn't all that). And there was the whole matter of being frequently thwarted on my first visit in May. And while I admit that the Korean BBQ and Mexican food has been excellent and I appreciate that the bars don't throw you out at 1am, I just have to say that I'm just not much of a fan.

Things started out well enough on Thursday night: my first Chicago Italian Beef and finally got the SOOTTAD to see 40 Year-Old Virgin and all the extras on the DVD. Friday: work. Thank you, modern technology. Thank you, internet. I love that I can "work from home" from Chicago, actually busy trying to get things done so I can roll off onto another project. Hit a lull in the early afternoon, but started getting back into my stride when the internet connection randomly died. Check the router. Check the modem. Try power cycling each in turn. And wondering if there was any service getting to the house, I finally tried the TV.

Motherfucker.

I call the SOOTTAD at the office, get the number for Comcast. Deal with voicemail hell. Get disconnected. F. Try again, eventually getting through to a customer service rep who is of no help except to schedule a technician to come by the house on Sunday. (because the SOOTTAD can't wait around the apartment at the timeslot opening they have on Saturday because she's going to accompany me to the airport.)

Damn you, Chicago! *shaking fist in air*

Saturday, a delicious brunch at Lula Cafe, a walk around Logan square, followed up by a tasty BLT and fries at Johnny's Grill. Ah, excess. We get back to the SOOTTAD's apartment around 4pm, plenty of time for my 6:50 departure, which is scheduled to arrive back in Boston a little after 10. Plenty of time. Oh yes. I figure we should give the airline a call (phone? yeah, internet is still down) to see if the flight's on time. Is cancelled a time? Right, the Nor'easter. While I'm on hold waiting for customer service, the SOOTTAD calls several friends around New England and confirms that the storm isn't showing up until after midnight, well after my flight should have landed. It turns out that I've been rescheduled for an 8:30am flight, like that's gonna fly. (nyuk, nyuk) And as I'm thinking it while talking to the service person, that flight gets cancelled. She ends up booking me onto the 6:50pm flight on Sunday. Shit. Now I'm not going to get back in time to make class. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Chicago, you're fucking with me again, aren't you?

I'm frustrated, annoyed. But I slowly realize that it's because I feel like I'm getting screwed over by large corporations that don't give a shit about the people they're trying to serve. I saw my flight cancellation as an arbitrary business decision -- hey, that Saturday flight hardly had anybody on it, let's just cancel it and save a few bucks and stuff that guy on the Sunday flight. I'm pissed at the why.

Eventually breathing resumes and oxygen returns to the brain. If the storm is canceling flights, they're probably going to cancel class. And I get an extra two days with the SOOTTAD! Yay, me!

It seems like Chicago was just giving me another chance to give Chicago another chance. And we saw the awesome Shaw Brothers film New One-Armed Swordsman at the Gene Siskel Film Center, ate Chicago-style Hot dogs, drank Old Styles at a local dive bar and even found a decent looking Shanghainese restaurant in Chinatown that we'll have to eventually try.

The situation was totally FUBAR and it worked out to be a great weekend. kat mentions the twists and turns life sometimes takes, and yeah...it's totally like that. (There's also some business about faith and spirit which is sync'ing with me a bit today as well, but perhaps I'll delve into that some other time.)

So anyway, I think I kinda owe Chicago an apology.

Sorry about that, dude. Are we cool?

Common threads...

It seems that my brain has been busy, busy, busy, analyzing, organizing, making connections. That's what it's there to do, after all. Making sense of all the random events that happen day to day, trying to make order from chaos, playing games with statistics.

Went to the dance last night and overall I had a good time enjoying the dances, feeling good about my dancing. Maybe 45 minutes into it, I consciously noted how well things seemed to be going, in fact, how inordinately well they were going and how good I was feeling. Dancing on air, one might say. (iew, did I just say that?!) I was digging the tunes, feeling the music, dancing well and having fun. And the followers seemed to be having fun, too.

And with it, there was, just maybe, the ever-so-slightest bit of fear that it could instantly all come crashing down around me. (I wonder whether I should just cut and run. Leave the party while it's still fun, as the SOOTTAD has sometimes said.) But no, silly thoughts. Just let go of the negativity and self-doubt, be present in the moment. Appreciate it. Let everything else go.

I'm there to dance, so I dance.

And just a few short minutes later... I'm being self-conscious, I feel like my leads suck, my dancing is boring, and the followers don't like dancing with me.

I am always amazed at how quickly the feelings turn. In a moment, and the moment is gone. And I know that I just had these amazing dances, and yet I can no longer recall the feelings of elation, of joy, of happiness. The high is so fleeting. This is what it must feel like when the drugs wear off.

After the fall, I have a few dances that are pretty good, but nothing like the ones at the start of the evening. It's like some magic has been lost. I'm feeling a little sad as I head for my car after the dance. I know it'll pass, and I try not to dwell too much on it, but: whoop, there it is. Life is all about ups and downs, and I recognize that it's not that I'm supposed to try to stop feeling bad, just that I shouldn't get stuck there, mired in the lows. Don't dwell.

So anyway, I've had this book on meditation and being mindful (a birthday gift from a few years ago) that I've finally picked up again. It has a lot about what I've just been saying, and what I've been thinking about recently. Over the last few nights I've been reading a short section or two before going to bed. And what do I read last night?

... Just feel what you are feeling, all the while cultivating moment-to-moment awareness, riding the waves of "up" and "down," "good" and "bad," "weak" and "strong," until you see that they are all inadequate to fully describe your experience. Be with the experience itself. Trust in your deepest strength of all: to be present, to be wakeful.

Sometimes it's good to get a little reinforcement. A bit of corroborating evidence that I might be on the right track.

And maybe it's yet another manifestation of the connectedness of all things, a positive feedback loop keeping me on the right path. And then again, maybe it's nothing. Just randomness and statistics. The meaning of it all being the meaning that you yourself give it. Which, oddly enough, happens to be one of the themes in Watchmen, a graphic novel by Alan Moore, which I recently reread for a book club. Which I suppose is another thread, tying it all back together again.

Why doesn't this bother me?

How to cook an egg with two cell phones

[via MimiSmartypants]

UPDATE: Ah, that's why.