Centered

I've been kind of out of for the past few weeks (basically since I got back from Europe) and it only seems like I've regained my footing in the last few days. I hadn't really thought about it until, at a team gathering last night, JTO asked me how I was doing, and after thinking about it for a moment, I gave him a one-word answer.

"Centered."

which is an answer that honestly surprised even me as it came out of my mouth.

I dunno. Maybe it's just the eye of the storm and I'm due to hit the crazy badness head-on again in a few days, but for the moment things almost feel, well, positive, and there seems to be a certain clarity about appreciating life.

All very shocking really.

Especially since over the last week, the normal depressive symptoms had been popping up with increasing frequency: lethargy, trouble getting to bed at a reasonable hour, trouble getting up in the morning, constantly looking for (and finding) distractions rather than taking care of the things that needed to get taken care of. The days are shortening, it's starting to get cold (heat kicked in for the first time this season just a few days ago), and it's the same-old same-old work, school and girlfriend a thousand miles away. And yet, somehow things suddenly seem ok.

But until he asked, I hadn't registered that there had been a subtle shift in my brain. The point that seems to best mark the shift occurred on Thursday, on the way to a lunchtime pickup ultimate game. Listening to "Do Your Thing" as I drove to the field, I suddenly felt... inspired. I was visualizing music videos again. Flash projects. I feel... excited about creating again.

Maybe it was playing disc in daylight for the first time in a long while. (A lunch pickup game the day before.) And then playing again that day. Maybe it was having a good practice session that evening with a classmate, a newfound friend, and then being able to hang out afterwards and get to know her better. To connect. Little moments of positive stuff.

Causes or effects?

And yet, last night, I still couldn't get myself into bed at a reasonable hour. Stayed up playing online poker for the first time in months, even though I had to get up early to play in a tournament the next day. Not a good sign.

Today.

Despite being up late, I woke up on time. 7:30am. (Thank you, time change.) Game day decision to wear a costume. (Underdog, from a few years ago.)

The weather: suboptimal. On Monday, it had been forecast to be sunny and in the 50's. By yesterday -- they were expecting snow and rain in the morning turning into rain in the afternoon with a high in the 40's. It did snow a bit during the first game, but actually wasn't too bad. At least not until the afternoon.

And I felt good. Despite not being in the best of shape, I thought I was playing well, the joy of playing taking over. Not stuck in my head, as some might say.

By the end of the day -- the weather was no longer fun. Wet, sticky snow accumulating on the field, on us, only the tracks from our running and sliding creating the dark patches not covered by snow. Out of gas and running on fumes, fingers aching, toes simultaneously numb and painfully cold. (How does that work?!) Whiny and actually kind of miserable, happy to cut the final game short (now a game to only seven).

My team finished second in the tournament. Like I told my friend and teammate RockStar after the summer tourney -- in the end, it means nothing and yet it means everything.

It's a hat league. It's for fun, frivolous. It's not like it's the National Championships. And even if it were, it's still just fun and games.

It's play.

And yet, it's everything about what life's about: seeing, feeling, being. Living in the moment. Appreciating everything. The feeling of catching the disc in stride. The pivot. The fake. The throw. Watching the disc glide through the air. Running. Moving. Breathing. Feeling.

Back home now, after a hot shower. A little perspective. Feeling alright, despite still not being able to feel all my toes, assorted muscles sore, tendons tender.

Still a pretty good day, all things considered.