It was nice to sleep in this morning after having to get up early that past two days. And yet, in some ways, it would have been better to have something to kick me out of bed and get me moving.
Early Wednesday morning I took the SOOTTAD to the airport. We had eaten dinner at Tuscan Grill on Moody Street the previous night and then stayed up much later than we should have, but we managed to get up early enough to hit Wilson's diner, together for the last time (at least until she comes back in June to pack up the rest of her stuff), before driving to Logan. We love both of these restaurants; I keep hoping she'll write about them, since I couldn't do them justice.
Logan. Frustrations in Central Parking were a good distraction from the emotions of the imminent departure, but really, it just replaced stress with stress. Poor signage, exit arrows leading to dead-ends and aisles blocked by cones -- the Logan nightmare that used to be the Pike-to-93-to-tunnel commute transferred to the newly centralized, overcrowded and partially under construction clusterfuck that we'd normally avoid by doing curbside drop-off, but which wasn't going to be an option on this particular morning.
I'll spare youmyself the details, and just point out that since only ticketed passengers can go to the gate, I can only watch her go through security and up the escalator until she's out of sight. I wait a few moments before walking slowly back to the car. I feel... heavy. I look at the planes or rather, their tails, peaking up behind the terminal building, keeping an eye out for the green and red of the AirTran logo.
I'm pretty much on auto-pilot. And when I catch myself drifting into the bad place, I force myself to keep busy. Activity -- keep moving, keep to the routine. Run, study, go to class.
Thursday morning, I'm up early again -- for an interview*. Then study, run, play disc.
I talk to the SOOTTAD in the evenings.
Friends check up on me. When they ask me how I'm doing, how things are going, I don't really know how to answer. I'm ok -- been worse, been better. We're ok. But I'm ever so slightly on edge. Off kilter. I'm keeping myself distracted, but I'm not really processing things. I can't. At least, not right now. People want to be there for me if I need to talk it out, but I'm not really ready for that right now. And trying to force the processing before my brain is ready for it leads to the dark places, the bad places.
I stay up late for no reason.
This morning, with nothing pressing for the day, I lie in bed, listless.
Nope, still not ready.
Try to appreciate Spring. Disc season. Starting to poke around in the garden -- I email with the SOOTTAD about planning, weed/perennial identification. It's no longer freezing after dark -- I was ok in just shorts and a shirt when I came home last night. Days warming, lengthening.
Close. Almost there.
I think we'll make it through this. It's feeling more normal. I'm already planning my flight out at the end of May.
Now, if I could just get to bed.
* I effectively had a first round of interviews last week but have avoided talking about it because I didn't want to jinx it. That, and I've really just been too busy. Mixed feeling on how it went -- at times, I can tell myself that it went alright, but generally, I do a pretty good job of convincing myself I totally screwed it up. In any case, it's done and I figure I'll hear one way or another sometime early next week.
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