AEM Day 10 - "Head On"

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.

Well, it turns out that I don't have as much to say on this than I originally thought. At least, nothing is coming to me at the moment even though I'm pretty sure I was chock full of stuff that I thought needed to be said. I guess that's how things go sometimes, as time passes, perspectives change...

Oh wait, that was it.

This drawing has been about a week in the making. You may recall that Day 2 was the first stop on my little fish odyssey. I had this vague idea of something moving against the flow of it's surroundings which danced between the idea of a person fighting his way against a crowd or the proverbial salmon swimming upstream against the current. Juxtapose the two and well, there you go...

Anyway, I really liked the way it came out, especially the contrasts between light and dark (I don't think I can get away with saying "color contrasts" with a black and white drawing), so I figured I'd try and play with it in another drawing, but with only fish. And it felt like it was coming along pretty well until I suddenly got stuck. I was trying to get a certain look and I hit a point where I felt like if I didn't do it "the right way," I was going to "ruin it," as I think I've mentioned previously. So I set it aside, worked on a few other things and did a couple experiments playing with different ways that I might get the effect I was looking for.

So yesterday, I finally figured out what I thought I was going to work and when I got down to inking it again... I realized that it wasn't what I wanted to do with the drawing anymore. You know -- things change.

The initial idea was to have the one fish be in stark contrast to all the others., not unlike the fish in the crowd. I liked how it looked visually and I liked how it felt conceptually as well. The one fish standing out amidst the others. But over the last few days, I've started appreciating how the one fish (that was my focus) was somewhat hidden in the sea of others. I liked that there was something there, but you had to give it more than a passing glance to see it. Hidden, but out in the open, like a shared secret, a puzzle.

Maybe it started to reflect my own feelings -- I want people to notice me, and yet I have a natural tendency to want to be on the periphery, under the radar. I value the things that make me different, the things that make me unique, special... despite feeling like they are also a source of many of the things I struggle with -- feeling on the outside, feeling alone. That whole left of center thing. I want people to notice it, to notice me, but I don't want to be the one to call attention to it. And yet there's definitely a part that just doesn't want them to notice, but somehow I want to know that they know. It's weird, I can't really explain it. Understanding and acceptance? Ugh, this feels like I'm staring a core meltdown -- Abort! Abort!

Anyway, just another thought or two about the whole analogy of the individual moving against the crowd, fighting the current. There's a certain romance to it that I like. How many action adventures are framing in this sort of context? The one against insurmountable odds. The individual with a different perspective that sees through the bullshit and can set things right. The Hero. The One. Don't be a sheep. Choose your own path.

And yet, there's also, well.... the dumbass. Misguided. Fighting the crowd because he doesn't know any better. Bad directions or something. And you're swimming upstream, and you'll never know until you've reached the end... one way or another.

Hero? Or dumbass? Sometimes it's just so hard to tell.