The Way I Am

The first drawing I did for AEM initially seeped into my brain after listening to "The Way I Am" by Martin Sexton.

The Way I Am

The other night I had a crazy dream
'Bout a man in a fishing hat selling magazines
All the way from Kingston he'd worked his way down
I bought him a drink on the night they kicked him out of town

He said, "You know I don't like the way I am."
"No, I don't like the way I am."

And I saw an old fisherman out swayin' on a dock
Swigging a jug of something and a string of fish that he had caught
His wife had left him just a week before
She packed up her bags and waltzed on out the door

She said, "You know I don't like the way I am."
"No, I don't like the way I am."

And then she cried

And you and me walked down the shores of our youth
Chasing the sunrise, challenging the truth

It's all so distant now I've seen too many lies
Turning my vision into crumbling demise

Makes me wanna say
You know I don't like the way I am
No, I don't like the way I am

But I'm gonna change the way I am
I'm gonna change the way I am

Clearly it's still there, floating around in my head.

The song is somewhat haunting, a little sad, and yet heartwarming. The last acapella-yodelly thing he does at the end gives me warm shivers, if that makes any sense.

And I think, "yeah, I don't like the way I am." There are things I need to change. I'm gonna change the way I am. But then, I realize that that's not quite right. I don't like some parts, that's true. But overall... I think I'm ok. Maybe I need to tidy some things up here and there. And yeah, the SOOTTAD keeps telling me I should push my limits and boundaries, get out of my comfort zone every once and a while. (e.g. we should travel to places where I can't speak the language, among other things.) But y'know... I'm good.

There's a funny thing about the way I hear songs. Usually what grabs me are melodies and quality of sounds. Words while important, are often secondary. It's always disappointing when the words don't match the feel of the music -- I don't know if this happens to everyone or it's a peculiar cognitive dissonance that's just particular to me. But these days I've become more cognizant of the *moment* when the meaning of the lyrics finally registers. It must be a back-auditory-channel thing.

I heard the Indigo Girls the other day on the radio on my drive to frisbee. I learned how to the play the song in college -- over 15 years ago now. Learned the words and everything. And yet, it was like the first time I really heard the words.

there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
the closer I am to fine

It's the first time the song spoke to me, not just as pretty sounds and harmonies and something I could reproduce on a guitar, but an affirmation. "Us too." We all walk alone. But paradoxically, there's company, if you look. If you listen.

I'm on my winding, meandering path. Ever closer.