AEM Day 14 posting catch-up

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.

Doodles from last night.

I was starting to get annoyed that all my porpoises were looking like birds.

AEM Day 14 delay

Just did some doodles this evening. But I need to get to bed so I'll post them tomorrow.

Thoughts for the day:

• Not getting enough sleep. Up late last night, up early this morning and into the office today. Difficult staying conscious at my desk; struggled to stay awake on the drive home.
• Only thought upon setting foot in the house: nap.
• Weird dreams. Tenderness from unexpected sources. Three kisses. Nice, but situationally inappropriate. I hate that my subconscious can't allow myself to enjoy these moments. After waking, it only reminds me how much I miss having the SOOTTAD around. We talk almost every night, but it's not the same. And damn, I really miss the smoochies.
• Thought I'd be too tired, but after I ate some dinner, I went to the Monday night dance anyway. A few good dances, unexpected. Still a few dances with bored-looking followers, like they'd prefer to be doing something other than dancing with me, which takes my spirit down a few notches. Overall I guess it's a wash.
• Home again, trying to get some work done before bed.
• Doodles while talking to the SOOTTAD. She suggested "nefarious porpoises" because, hello pun! And fish! I correct her: porpoises are mammals, which means they have hair, among other things. You'll see what came of that when I eventually get around to posting it tomorrow.
• My nose is running. I hope I haven't caught a cold. But it wouldn't surprise me considering I've been really taxing my system lately.
• My pen appears to be following my nose's lead. (Follow the nose, it always knows!) It's begun leaking. This usually happens because I'm not particularly good at taking care of them. I'm going to have to try and clean the nib, but it's something I've always had a lot of trouble with, so I tend to put it off. But fairly soon, I'm not going to have much of a choice in the matter.
• Why am I not in bed?

AEM Day 13 - Observed; Demanding, part 2

I was just going to do the one drawing, but circumstances intervened and I was moved to document the events surrounding it's (their) inception.

Home late after class and after class socializing, I figured I'd do a quick sketch for today before I tried to finish off some work that I hadn't had the energy to deal with last night. (Hey, I actually got to bed before 11:30 -- go me.)

One cat on the couch, adorable in standard coffee roll (versus loaf) position, seemed a good subject. He was napping, but when I sat down to draw, I noticed he was actually watching me with one eye, half open. Suspicious of my activity, or indignant that I wasn't actually giving him any physical attention, he nevertheless decided at some point that it wasn't worth keeping his eye on me, and settled back into his nap.

I wanted to just use colored pencils to get a better feel for how colors worked together, even if it was just going to be sparse lines or small highlighted sections. But when I initially finished, there didn't seem to be enough contrast in places, so I pulled out the rapidograph and started inking a few of the lines. It seemed to be doing what I wanted. At least, it did, until the other cat decided that he was clearly being intolerably neglected and sought to immediately correct the situation, leading to some unintentional inking.

What to do?

1. Cover spots with shading to try and incorporate it into the rest of the drawing.
2. Take advantage of new subject material.

AEM Day 12 - "tickled"

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.

Tired, tired, tired.

The image had stuck pretty solidly in my head after I woke up this morning; the challenge is always in getting it out and onto paper. Trying to work a little color in. (I feel like I'm borrowing a page or more from Janey's style, but hope it's in my own way; struggling with the idea that I'm not being original. Let go, let go, just do.) It's done; I'm pretty happy with it.

But tired.

I've been getting to bed much too late but still waking up around 7AM every morning for the last several days. Today was all taking care of business. Study, eat, draw, study, practice, work, rake and bag leaves, clear out the garden, check on travelling friends' kitties, pick up a book from school, check on another set of friends' kitty and bunnies, study, eat... rest.

I feel bad including drawing in there, because I do enjoy it, but carving out the time out of the day is challenging.

And oh so tired. After I had dinner I just had to shut down for a while -- actually watched TV for the first time in a long while. (Wow, that CSI show is pretty good, huh?) Probably the first time since August, not counting DVDs.

Hope to get to bed before midnight tonight. Before 11 would be even better, but I think I know myself too well to believe that'll happen.

Did I mention tired?

AEM Day 11 - "Autumn Hands I"

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.

I'm still trying to overcome my fear of using color.

I've been meaning to do something like this for several days now. The original plan was to color in the sketch from Day 5 but I realized that the original drawing was too small to really work effectively.

I have mixed feelings about this one, but... well, there it is. And I guess that's the whole point of this exercise. Hopefully I'll try and play with the idea again at some point.

Fall Outsider

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.

I think the originating maple tree is from the yard two houses up.

AEM Day 10 - "Head On"

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.

Well, it turns out that I don't have as much to say on this than I originally thought. At least, nothing is coming to me at the moment even though I'm pretty sure I was chock full of stuff that I thought needed to be said. I guess that's how things go sometimes, as time passes, perspectives change...

Oh wait, that was it.

This drawing has been about a week in the making. You may recall that Day 2 was the first stop on my little fish odyssey. I had this vague idea of something moving against the flow of it's surroundings which danced between the idea of a person fighting his way against a crowd or the proverbial salmon swimming upstream against the current. Juxtapose the two and well, there you go...

Anyway, I really liked the way it came out, especially the contrasts between light and dark (I don't think I can get away with saying "color contrasts" with a black and white drawing), so I figured I'd try and play with it in another drawing, but with only fish. And it felt like it was coming along pretty well until I suddenly got stuck. I was trying to get a certain look and I hit a point where I felt like if I didn't do it "the right way," I was going to "ruin it," as I think I've mentioned previously. So I set it aside, worked on a few other things and did a couple experiments playing with different ways that I might get the effect I was looking for.

So yesterday, I finally figured out what I thought I was going to work and when I got down to inking it again... I realized that it wasn't what I wanted to do with the drawing anymore. You know -- things change.

The initial idea was to have the one fish be in stark contrast to all the others., not unlike the fish in the crowd. I liked how it looked visually and I liked how it felt conceptually as well. The one fish standing out amidst the others. But over the last few days, I've started appreciating how the one fish (that was my focus) was somewhat hidden in the sea of others. I liked that there was something there, but you had to give it more than a passing glance to see it. Hidden, but out in the open, like a shared secret, a puzzle.

Maybe it started to reflect my own feelings -- I want people to notice me, and yet I have a natural tendency to want to be on the periphery, under the radar. I value the things that make me different, the things that make me unique, special... despite feeling like they are also a source of many of the things I struggle with -- feeling on the outside, feeling alone. That whole left of center thing. I want people to notice it, to notice me, but I don't want to be the one to call attention to it. And yet there's definitely a part that just doesn't want them to notice, but somehow I want to know that they know. It's weird, I can't really explain it. Understanding and acceptance? Ugh, this feels like I'm staring a core meltdown -- Abort! Abort!

Anyway, just another thought or two about the whole analogy of the individual moving against the crowd, fighting the current. There's a certain romance to it that I like. How many action adventures are framing in this sort of context? The one against insurmountable odds. The individual with a different perspective that sees through the bullshit and can set things right. The Hero. The One. Don't be a sheep. Choose your own path.

And yet, there's also, well.... the dumbass. Misguided. Fighting the crowd because he doesn't know any better. Bad directions or something. And you're swimming upstream, and you'll never know until you've reached the end... one way or another.

Hero? Or dumbass? Sometimes it's just so hard to tell.

AEM Day 9 - return of the fish

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.

I swear I'll get to the final version of the fish drawing eventually, but for today, it's just another bunch of experiments to see how different methods of shading would look.

This was done mostly during Physiology class, where we went over a research paper we had written about in a homework assignment a few weeks ago. Kinda slow and not much to take notes on.

The quiz? Answer two simple questions and draw a diagram of a nephron (the main functional component of the kidney), labeling it with several terms the instructor had written on the board.

Heh, no problem.

AEM Day 8 - study guide

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.

Yesterday's entry kind of drained me, so I figured I'd submit this for today -- something a little lighter in tone (it's about PEE!) and a demonstration that art FILTERS (a pun, a pun!) into everyday life.

Fitting (at least in my own twisted little mind, I suppose) for Art Everyday Month. :)

Yes, it's true. I clearly did not get enough sleep last night.

Ok, I'm officially embarrassed

For Kansas, and our country by association:

Headline: "Kansas State Board Votes to Teach Intelligent Design in Schools"

From another article (which will, unfortunately, expire):

In addition, the board rewrote the definition of science, so that it is no longer limited to the search for natural explanations of phenomena.

*sigh*

I guess I can look forward to what the Onion is going to write about this. But that's small comfort.

Interesting, yet scary

Monkeyboy posted this link on his links page, Monkeyboy's Links.

Ok, now that you've got that, you can check out Amazon's beta Artificial Artificial Intelligence.

It seems like a pretty cool and interesting idea, from an academic perspective. From Amazon's info page:

When we think of interfaces between human beings and computers, we usually assume that the human being is the one requesting that a task be completed, and the computer is completing the task and providing the results. What if this process were reversed and a computer program could ask a human being to perform a task and return the results? What if it could coordinate many human beings to perform a task?

So on the one side, you put this little snippet of code into the application you're writing, and on the other side Amazon negotiates the hand-shaking to some amorphous worldwide internet-enabled pool of people drones who appear to get paid for participating, and voila, you've got virtual cognitive processing. People acting like a massive parallel processing computer acting like a person. It's delightfully recursive. Academically speaking.

Because, call me a cynic, but the only application I see for this right now is to allow spammers to once again develop automated means of navigating through the various Turing tests in place that are only barely keeping comment spam at bay. I could have sworn that I read about basically the same thing (albeit on a smaller scale) that used a porn site as a proxy, getting the smut-seekers to fill in the test forms.

I can't help but think of Real Genius (perhaps this is a bad analogy?) and how cool ideas can always be twisted and used for nefarious purposes.

I dunno, maybe I'm not fully understanding what Amazon is trying to develop. And maybe I'm just underestimating people's capacity for good. But at least in the latter case, I generally find the opposite to be true.

On a more general note, why does it seem like every new thing elicits this "wow cool... gosh, that's kind of scary" response in me?

*sigh* Maybe I'm just getting old.

UPDATE: ok, I had a thought. Maybe the constraining factor I'm not taking into consideration is cost. Maybe it won't be cost effective for the service to be misused as I've described above. I guess we'll see.

AEM Day 7 - "Storm-bringer"

I wanted to get this posted last night, but I was already up late (ugh, 2AM) finishing it and then the camera batteries died, so I figured that was the sign telling me to go to bed. Talking to the SOOTTAD a little after midnight and having her tell me I should get to bed soon isn't enough. No, I have to listen to camera batteries. I probably shouldn't have been up so late anyway, but I felt the need to finish this one and get it out and onto paper.

I think I briefly mentioned that things had been a little rough in our last class of the day on Sunday. There was conflict. There was drama. And it had left me drained, aggravated and on edge. I was still experiencing shakes when I got into my car and drove home. Later that night when I recounted the events to the SOOTTAD, I found my body going through the same physiological responses that I had experienced in class. Muscles constricting, heartrate going up, a slightly sick feeling of agitation -- a vibration starting in my chest working its way to a dull buzz in my brain.

The experience is always real, even when it's only in your head.

So anyway, I thought I might be able to channel some of this into a drawing, get it onto paper and out of my head. Ironically, as I dipped into the experience to compose the picture in my head, the feelings would creep right back into the present. Perhaps that's why there was this strange urgency to finish it last night. I wanted to get it out so I could move on.

* * *

Anyway, I wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for all the wonderful feedback. I've found this experience to be really good for me (sleep-deprivation notwithstanding) -- it's been a while since I've challenged my creative side and I've always* struggled with whether I was ever any good at anything. And yet despite the difficulties with this challenge, it's been such a welcoming and nurturing environment that I can't help but try to do what I set out to do at the start of this thing, and to try and do my very best.

So again, thank you all.

* Interestingly, when I think about it for a moment, I don't think this was always the case. I have very clear memories of drawing when I was little -- 4, 5, 6, elementary/primary school -- I fancied myself an artist back in the day. I'm not sure what happened. I think sometime around high school I realized that all my friends were all better than me at something... and together they were all better than me at everything. And I guess it's kinda been that way every since.

Half the battle, I guess.

Told ya

You Are 19 Years Old

You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

What Age Do You Act?

Two thoughts

The SOOTTAD has suggested that there's acceptance, and then there's rolling over like a dog. Her acceptance ends when you start to behave like a dick.

I definitely think there is some wisdom in this.

My own thought: talk is just talk. People are defined by their actions not their words. (Unfortunately, this immediately reminds me of a line from Total Recall, spoken by the mutant leader Kuato: "You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory.")

Weekend update (AEM and otherwise)

Busy weekend; lots of ups and downs. I started to write a fairly detailed account of the trials and tribulations that have transpired in the last 48 hours, but I think it might be better to just present as quick a summary as I can muster. I think it's still by no means short.

I flew down to North Carolina Friday evening for a wedding in Chapel Hill on Saturday. I was meeting the SOOTTAD at the airport, although my flight was actually getting in about 3 hours before hers. I figured I'd spend the time studying and working on a paper, and maybe if I was so inspired, do a little drawing.

Anyway, it turned out to be a pretty hectic afternoon. All the little things kind of trainwrecked: work tasks took a little longer, little chores around the house before I left, last minute packing. I felt pretty rushed, but I made it to the airport more or less as planned.

But to be fair, my plan was a little crazy.

The wedding was Saturday afternoon and there was a post-reception party at the groom's parents' house that I didn't want to miss (mmmmm, barbecue), but I wanted to make it back for class Sunday morning. So I booked a return flight that left on Sunday morning around 6AM that was scheduled to arrive in Boston at 8:09am, giving me a grand total of 21 minutes to get from the plane out the terminal onto the shuttle to the parking lot to my car and to school by 8:30am. I can summarize this plan in two words: DUMB. ASS.

Anyway, there's a lot of beating myself up for making this decision, not taking appropriate measures to improve the situation, making other decisions that made the situation worse (such as taking me on a scenic tour of LaGuardia airport and reducing the amount of time I actually have to study or work on my paper) but I did manage to safely arrive in RDU, get my return ticket changed (without a painful $400+ change fee and price difference), get some of my paper written, pick up the SOOTTAD and only get us lost once before arriving at the EBC dance event in Carrboro to find the friends of the SOOTTAD who are putting us up for the weekend.

Saturday, we manage to wake up with just enough time to iron shirt and dress and get our asses to Chapel Hill for the wedding and reception. A short but very sweet ceremony. Tasty hors d'oeuvres. Dancing. Good times. Afterwards, there's a minor boondoggle caravan in search of a vintage store that we never find. I'm exhausted, so I let the SOOTTAD drive while I try to work on my paper a bit. We hit the post-reception barbecue and mingle some, but mostly, I hide myself away and work on my paper. I manage to finish just as most people are leaving. Still, we get to spend some quality time with the happy couple and the groom's parents who have to be some of the nicest people in the world. I've seldom felt so comfortable hanging with a friend's parents. It felt good.

Back to our hosts' apartment -- they're out at another dance event. I haven't seen them since the night we got in. We stay up late again for no reason, doing nothing, really. I draw a little. Sleep.

Up early this morning, though not ungodly early. But sadly, not early enough to get breakfast together. I'm on the 9:27am flight back to Boston, so we shoot to get to the airport at 8:30am and arrive without incident. And, of course, when I go to check in, I discover... my flight's been delayed. *sigh* I spend some time drawing, inking some of the stuff I did last night. The rescheduled flight is now scheduled to depart at 10; we actually leave the ground around 10:30. Touch down in Boston just before noon, and I'm right back where I started with a class to make (our Module 3 technique assessment) in 20 minutes. I'm out of the terminal by 12:05 and end up waiting 20 minutes for the shuttle to the economy lots that come every 15 minutes. (Annoyed? Why yes, why do you ask?) I'm already late, even before I get to the lot at 12:34. In my car, through the gate and stuck at a light by 12:35. I make it to Watertown in 13 minutes, park and sprint. In the classroom, stressed, winded and shaking with nerves at 12:50pm.

But reentry is good. Everyone in class is warm and welcoming. W gets me on the table so she can do her assessment, and 40 minutes later we're at the break and I'm feeling several orders of magnitude better.

Yay, massage therapy.

Things are a little rough in the skills and dynamics class for which I'd written the paper the previous night. Looks like we're stormin' again. Still, the class overall is genuinely supportive of one another so I make it through to the end of class and head home to friendly kitties.

Oh yeah, and for the day I ate:

• 1 apple danish
• 1 can of tomato juice
• 1 small bag of pretzels
• 2 Zone energy bars
• 1 handful of popcorn

Home for a few hours, it finally occurs to me to have something to eat. I bust out some ramen and egg.

Yeah, it's been one heck of a weekend.

* * *

So, not a lot of time to draw or post, but here's what I've got for the last few days.

Day 4:

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.
I finally had a moment to catch my breath once with met up with Ja & Je at the dance in Carrboro. While we waited for them to finish up (they were competing in a Jack & Jill), I did a little sketching of the dancers. I've always had trouble sketching moving subjects, but sometimes ya gotta do whatcha gotta do.

Day 5:

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.
Back at Ja & Je's apartment, not ready to go to sleep just yet. Hands have been sketching subject matter for years. I'm actually planning on doing some more with this one, but I was pretty happy with how they came out, so I thought I should capture it for posterity before I "ruin it."

Day 6:

Both originally uploaded by tallasiandude.
I tried to catch a picture of this image at the wedding but my timing was always off or it came out blurry or I couldn't frame it right. This is probably as close to going from mind's eye to paper, although I'll admit that I did use some of the photos I took as reference. In some ways I actually like the sketched version better than the final ink -- I feel like the sketched version almost has a warmer quality to it, possibly due to the fuzziness of the lines. Funny, that. (However, it's much easier to capture photos of the inked stuff. I suppose I should just suck it up and use the scanner -- we'll see.)

Today's lesson

Learn acceptance.

Of Others.

Of myself.

AEM Day 3 - Fish tests

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.

Ok, I got too serious and busted out the old Rapidograph Koh-I-Noor set and india ink today. Which may have been a mistake, because along with them came the old indecision, self-doubt and uncertainty. I got to the point where I should just suck it up and try something and see what happened, but instead I got stuck.

All the positive feedback went to my head. Only the best for my viewing public! Too worried about disappointing people. About disappointing myself.

I couldn't finish it for fear of "ruining it."

So in its stead, I present to you: "unfinished fish" and "fish experiments." (Yes, there's definitely a fish theme going on -- you might even see the original seed which spawned the drawing from Day 2.) Hopefully I'll settle down and finish it later this month.

Oy. Bedtime.

The Way I Am

The first drawing I did for AEM initially seeped into my brain after listening to "The Way I Am" by Martin Sexton.

The Way I Am

The other night I had a crazy dream
'Bout a man in a fishing hat selling magazines
All the way from Kingston he'd worked his way down
I bought him a drink on the night they kicked him out of town

He said, "You know I don't like the way I am."
"No, I don't like the way I am."

And I saw an old fisherman out swayin' on a dock
Swigging a jug of something and a string of fish that he had caught
His wife had left him just a week before
She packed up her bags and waltzed on out the door

She said, "You know I don't like the way I am."
"No, I don't like the way I am."

And then she cried

And you and me walked down the shores of our youth
Chasing the sunrise, challenging the truth

It's all so distant now I've seen too many lies
Turning my vision into crumbling demise

Makes me wanna say
You know I don't like the way I am
No, I don't like the way I am

But I'm gonna change the way I am
I'm gonna change the way I am

Clearly it's still there, floating around in my head.

The song is somewhat haunting, a little sad, and yet heartwarming. The last acapella-yodelly thing he does at the end gives me warm shivers, if that makes any sense.

And I think, "yeah, I don't like the way I am." There are things I need to change. I'm gonna change the way I am. But then, I realize that that's not quite right. I don't like some parts, that's true. But overall... I think I'm ok. Maybe I need to tidy some things up here and there. And yeah, the SOOTTAD keeps telling me I should push my limits and boundaries, get out of my comfort zone every once and a while. (e.g. we should travel to places where I can't speak the language, among other things.) But y'know... I'm good.

There's a funny thing about the way I hear songs. Usually what grabs me are melodies and quality of sounds. Words while important, are often secondary. It's always disappointing when the words don't match the feel of the music -- I don't know if this happens to everyone or it's a peculiar cognitive dissonance that's just particular to me. But these days I've become more cognizant of the *moment* when the meaning of the lyrics finally registers. It must be a back-auditory-channel thing.

I heard the Indigo Girls the other day on the radio on my drive to frisbee. I learned how to the play the song in college -- over 15 years ago now. Learned the words and everything. And yet, it was like the first time I really heard the words.

there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
the closer I am to fine

It's the first time the song spoke to me, not just as pretty sounds and harmonies and something I could reproduce on a guitar, but an affirmation. "Us too." We all walk alone. But paradoxically, there's company, if you look. If you listen.

I'm on my winding, meandering path. Ever closer.

AEM Day 2 - "Fish Outta Water"

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.

Not sure where this one came from -- something about a fish swimming upstream got stuck in my head this morning. Had a few ways I was thinking about rendering it, maybe I'll do one of the alternatives later this month.

Oy. My hand is killing me.

I was planning on adding scales to the fish and putting more detail into the crowd in back, but I basically killed off the pen I was using, so I figured that was the sign telling me I was done for the night.

Probably should have been writing a paper or studying, or getting some work done, but this is definitely more fun. But I'm going to have to scale back on my goals a bit or I'm going to be seriously sleep-deprived by the end of the month. (And lose my job. And fail out of school.)

This is definitely going to be a challenge.

Art Every Day Month, Day 1

Originally uploaded by tallasiandude.

Art Every Day Month is a creation of Kat at Kat's Paws. Given my newly rediscovered inspiration and creative spark, I thought it might be a good way of giving me a nudge in the right direction. A little momentum, maybe keeping me from moving back into the dark places.

Positive change seems like it's just around the corner; I'd prefer not to blow it.

And there are little things that are working their way into my reality. Good things, I think. Woke up early (before 8am) this morning. There's been some weird business with the network connection into work (basically, I can't access the rest of the internet at large when I'm logged into the VPN, meaning that I can't access my non-work email from my laptop) so I was forced to reconfigure my work space so I could work by my desktop computer. Which forced me to tidy up my desk. (It's by no means clean, but it's a start.) And with the desktop on, I decided to listen to tunes, and it's the great randomness of every single MP3 I've ripped on shuffle on Winamp. (Poor man's iPod, I guess.) And at times in my brain, it'd be: song. picture. song. picture.

So this came from "The Way I Am" by Martin Sexton. At least that's where it started from. It sort of wandered into it's final form since it's never been a direct translation from my brain onto paper.

There's a good analogy out there somewhere that describes this process perfectly -- I just couldn't tell you what it is. The picture in my head is more about feeling than it is about shapes and lines and color. It's always a little fuzzy around the edges, if not through the center, dream-like, squinting through clouds and fog and mist. Which is frustrating. Except that when it's done, there's this strange feeling of surprise, of discovery of this thing you've made, like unwrapping a present, even though you theoretically knew what it was going to be the whole time, and you've watched it develop the whole way through.

Ok, I guess we'll see if I can keep this up for a whole month.