Lucky

I've been reluctant to post this because I fear it will become THAT KIND OF POST that everybody hates. You know, the one with the guy who's doing all this excessive navel-gazing IN PUBLIC and just gushing about his feelings and "wow, isn't everything great?" but "wah, I'm saaaad" and on and on and on. But here I go anyway. I guess I can take heart in the knowledge that almost nobody reads this thing.

Anyway, I've had this JBE song in my head the past few days. It just kind of pops up and rolls around my head for a while:

I'm lucky I'm lucky I'm lucky I'm lucky
I'm lucky I'm lucky I'm lucky I'm lucky
I'm lucky you left me
I think I'm better off this way
I'm lucky you left me
although I wanted you to stay
I'm lucky you left me
I don't cry a lot at night
I'm lucky you left me
don't worry darling
I'm alright

It's kind of a bitter anthem (obviously). I like it; I've been there and can appreciate the sentiment. But that isn't really what this is about.

I've had a fair share of injuries over the last two or three years, but these days I'm actually pretty healthy, all things considered. The Achilles has been bothering me a bit, my shoulder and back both still have a tendency to get sore, but I can generally do all the things I like to do -- run, play disc, play hoops, dance, climb. I have the use of both of my hands, I have my sight and hearing, my sense of touch, taste.

I don't love my job, but they pay me pretty well and the work isn't so bad. No risk of death or dismemberment. And really, being able to go for a run or playing disc during lunch doesn't suck at all.

There's this wonderful woman (that'd be the SOOTTAD) who rocks my world. She's cute and fun and smart and wicked cool and interesting and crafty and can dance and even loves me back. Did I mention that she rocks?

And you know what? This is a great country, founded on the principles of freedom and equality and justice for all. Where you have the right to say what you think and love who you want. Ok, we've got a few glitches here and there (and I'll probably get to that later), but when I stop and look around, we really are better off that most.

Life is good. And the world is a beautiful place.

But recently, I've just been feeling really out of it. And I'm not sure what's up with that.

"Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's 'round the bend
sometimes the road leads through dark places
sometimes the darkness is your friend"
-Bruce Cockburn

It may be that my impending birthday (whether consciously or not) is leading me towards introspection. Maybe I'm just not getting as much down time as I used to, to think about things and work stuff out in my head. Maybe I'm just playing too much on-line poker.

Maybe it's about expectation. There was a Harlan Ellison story about a guy who wanders into a bookstore full of people just standing around, as if lost. A bookstore full of books that would tell you exactly what the greatest moment of your life was or would be. And once you know that, you know that it's all downhill from there.

Things feel good. Settled. In place. So what else it there to look forward to? I'm getting older and getting slower. I have only the prospect of being able to do less and less of the things I love to do.

Change is growth. Growth is life. Life is change.

I got a tattoo almost 10 years ago that was supposed to remind me of that. But what is there that I want to change? Besides getting out of this rut?

Play more piano? Start drawing again? Start studying Chinese again? Yes, yes and yes. But is that really going to make the difference?

And then there's that whole political uncertainty. And not even uncertainty. There's a lot of bad shit going down these days, and half the country thinks things are just hunky-dory. And the lies, and the misrepresentations. It all just makes me mad, frustrated, depressed. I voted in the local primary a few weeks ago. I'll vote on November 2nd. But for now, I'm aggressively trying to avoid following any more of the campaign. It's not going to change my vote. It's all well and good to stay informed on the issues, but I'm not going to win any votes with my writing or conversation. Especially if the guys who CAN make the case can't seem to sway people's opinions. And really, it's because it's not about the issues or the policies or the facts. It's about belief. It's about faith. And that's hard to change, if it's even possible at all.

So I'm going to try and have faith. And hope. But I'm going to try to avoid the political blogs. And maybe go and play some piano. And play a little less poker.

[This is actually about a week after I first started writing this. And other than a few poker setbacks, and maybe a little too much NPR, so far so good.]