talking about work

In general, I don't like talking about work, regardless if things are going well or particularly crappy. There are probably a couple of reasons for this. For one, I don't think it's all that interesting to talk about. Then there's that public/private thing that suggests that it might be unwise to reveal too much detail. (Customer scenario: "Dude, what do you mean the P-32 Space modulator that you're trying to sell us doesn't work during months beginning with the letter 'J'?") I also don't like to talk about work because frankly, the more I talk about it, the greater the chance that the listener (or reader) will realize that I have no idea what I'm doing and I'll be exposed for the sham that I really am.

But there have been at least parts of this week that haven't been too bad. For starters, I've actually gotten into work at a reasonable hour over the last few days. Like, before 9 even. (Yeah, I know, no big deal. Sad but true that it is for me.) However, what's genuinely good is that I actually felt engaged again. I feel like I know what I'm doing.

It's been a while.

For probably the last month or so, I've felt like I've been a walking zombie. I'll spare (myself) the details, and just say that I've been reviewing someone else's design and it's been slow-going. Unpleasant. Painful. I'd read a section of code and it felt like I was trying to drive it into my head with a two-by-four and it was just bouncing off and dropping uselessly to the ground. Real headache, though. And late nights. It's been a while since I've put in regular late nights. But after spending the whole day unproductively staring at line after line of code, what better way to turn the problem on its head and... stare at it for another couple of hours?

Thankfully, it finally started clicking sometime Monday or Tuesday. And it felt good. Like many things, I tend to forget how it feels to be in a certain frame of mind. It's like you know it feels different, but you just don't remember exactly what it was all about. I think it's buried deep in your lizard brain somewhere and occasionally you'll catch glimpses of it through core functions -- like the smell of a certain type of tree will remind you of a particular hot summer day when you were 7 and playing T-ball. Anyway, I had forgotten; now I remember. Codemonkey. I found my geek nature.

I'm still staying late, the process itself still sucks, but at least things are making sense in my head again and I feel like I'm actually contributing.

The downside (and there always seems to be one) is that work has still pretty effectively clobbered real life this week. I'm not done now, it's not easy. I'm just not beating my head against a wall anymore. So by the time I get home, I'm still cooked. It feels like I get up, (early) [drive to work] work, [drive home] eat, shower and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. It's not that bad, but most of non-work, non-sleep time seems just seems like transition as opposed to true independent states. I haven't been running during lunch (which is at least giving my ankle some time to heal -- did I mention I rolled it playing hoops on Saturday?). I haven't been studying Chinese nearly as much I as ought to.

It's interesting to note that it seems like there's an inverse relationship between studying Chinese and figuring out this design at work. It's like I filled up all my brain's new-information queues when I was studying Chinese first thing in the morning so that by the time I got into work, there was no room left to feed the design into my head. And, now that I'm got the design code in my head, I'm having trouble staying focused when I try to sit down and study Chinese after work. So really, all I'm getting is superficial studying right now.